


these words sit heavy on my tongue

by stonestars



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, I Swear It Ends Well, M/M, just had to hurt taako a bit first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonestars/pseuds/stonestars
Summary: It starts with a witch he encounters in cycle 72.Taako doesn’t mean to piss her off, honestly, it just sort of happens.





	these words sit heavy on my tongue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daniadaniadania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daniadaniadania/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GOOD GOOD FRIEND SERAF!!!! I'm only an hour late, in my time, it still counts *right?* I hope y'all enjoy the hit I did on our boy, it was a fun one! Don't worry, I fixed it, I promise!!

It starts with a witch he encounters in cycle 72.

Taako doesn’t  _ mean _ to piss her off, honestly, it just sort of  _ happens _ , and he’s left running from her house with one hand clamped down on his hat and the other clutching a large spellbook as she shoots curses after him from her gnarled wooden walking stick. 

“I’m glad I’m the only one who came,” he mutters under his breath as he dodges another curse, rolling to the side to safety.

Or, it would be to safety, if another curse didn’t come out of nowhere and hit him square in the back, knocking the wind out of him just a bit. 

He spins around, angry but seemingly unharmed, and shoots off a magic missile in her direction as she disappears backwards into her house with a knowing grin.

Taako sighs and shakes himself off, looking down at the spellbook in his hands before tucking it into his bag. She must’ve hit him with a weak curse or something, because he feels fine. In fact, he feels better than fine. He got  _ exactly _ what he came for. 

With a triumphant grin, he pulls the Light of Creation out from under his hat. “ _ Honestly, _ ” he says to himself as he disappears into the woods. “You’d think she’d take better care of this thing.”

The others were going to be over the moon that they could spend the rest of the cycle relaxing and  _ not _ panicking about the Light, Taako thinks as he tosses it between his hands.

Inside her cottage, the witch is grinning with the knowledge of exactly what spell she hit Taako with.

* * *

 

Taako steps into the living room on the Starblaster with a large grin on his face, holding up the Light of Creation. 

“You  _ did _ it!” Magnus exclaims, rushing over.

Taako winks at him. “Honestly, you could do to be a little less surprised, Maggie. Of  _ course _ I pulled it off, I’m  _ Taako _ , y’know, from  _ TV? _ ”

Magnus laughs a little and crosses his arms. “I wasn’t surprised, just excited,” he says. “Plus, this means we can take the year off, pretty much!”

Taako nods, setting the Light of Creation down on the coffee table. Barry’s voice from a few cycles ago echoes in his head, going  _ honestly, Taako, we need to put the Light where it  _ belongs, _ somewhere safe, not just wherever you feel like putting it, _ but he brushes it off. Barry’s gone this cycle, he has been since a few weeks in. 

“You did a really great job to get in and out so fast without getting hurt,” Magnus says, following him over. “I was kind of worried, honestly.”

With Barry and Merle gone, Lucretia and Lup locked in their respective rooms, and Davenport 100% focused on keeping the Starblaster safe on a hostile planet, Taako and Magnus have been spending a lot of time together.

Taako sighs and ruffles Magnus’s hair. “I know buddy,” he says. “I wasn’t going anywhere, though. I love ya, y’know?” He looks away. “Anyway, you want to have a Taako original dinner tonight? I’ll whip up something  _ entirely _ new, just to celebrate the occasion.”

Magnus laughs. “Taako, it’s been like 80 years, I think I’ve tried everything you’ve had to offer.”

“Oh, ye of little faith,” Taako says with a grin. “Just you wait.”

* * *

 

Magnus dies the next day. 

No one could have expected it, really. He and Taako spend the night sitting at the dinner table with three full plates and two unset places, but they laugh and have fun all the same. They make plans, too, to go on an excursion to a nearby city and try some of the local cuisine from this cycle because, as Magnus was quick to point out, Taako’s “entirely new” creation was something that he had made all the way back in cycle 33, meaning that he _ hadn’t  _ made something entirely new.

But, the next day, Magnus was up on deck as they flew over the forests surrounding the city, and it just so happened a portion of the Starblaster’s shield failed just as they made a giant evasive maneuver, and it  _ just so happened  _ that the portion of the shield that failed was right in front of Magnus, and it  _ just so happened  _ that Magnus was thrown over the edge of the ship and fell to his death. 

“It  _ just so happened _ ,” Davenport says, as he shakily guides the Starblaster down into a clearing. Taako is standing in the doorway, arms wrapped around himself. “No one-- no one could’ve seen it coming, honestly. It’s okay, Magnus will-- the cycle’s almost over, we don’t have long to wait.”

Taako nods, biting his lip.  _ Coincidences like that don’t just happen, _ he thinks as he says a tired goodbye to Davenport and makes his way to Lup’s room, unlocking it with his wand and crawling into bed next to her. She barely moves to acknowledge him, she hasn’t been having a good time since Barry died. 

Taako wraps his arms around her to stop himself from shaking. “Magnus is gone,” he says, trying to banish the part of his brain that is telling him that, somehow, this is his fault.

Lup says nothing, but moves her hand so that it’s clutching his in the center of her chest.

They stay like this for a long while.

* * *

 

It happens again the very next cycle.

They all reform on the deck of the Starblaster and Taako is so relieved to see Barry, to see Merle, to see  _ Magnus _ , that he laughs as he hugs them all. 

Barry rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and offers him a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry I died,” he says. “It was honestly careless of me and--”

“Damn right it was, Bluejeans,” Taako quips, crossing his arms in a front of sternness. “Honestly, take better care of yourself.” He cracks, smiling, and pulls Barry into another hug. “Nah but… Lulu loves you, and  _ I  _ love you, so be careful not to do that again, okay Barold?”

“It’s uh-- it’s Barry,” Barry says as they pull away, even though he’s fully aware that Taako isn’t gonna change the way he says his name. He smiles, too. “But I’ll be careful, promise.”

* * *

 

That night, as Lup, Taako, Magnus, and Barry are taking a walk through the forest around where they’ve parked the Starblaster to get a lay of the land-- Lup with Barry heading one direction, and Magnus with Taako in the other-- Taako hears an explosion halfway across the woods.

His ears perk up, and he frowns, turning. 

“Taako?” Magnus asks, looking up just in time to see Lup’s distress flare exploding into the air. He and Taako exchange glances before breaking out into a run.

They reach Lup in record time, panting as they come to a stop behind her. “Lu, what happened?” Magnus asks as he catches his breath.

Lup is crying, Taako quickly realizes, and she runs over to the two of them, practically tackling them into a hug. “He-- we were walking and-- and-- I wasn’t looking and-- there was a trap in-- the clearing and-- fire-- and--  _ Barry _ ,” she sobs.

They didn’t even get to spend one day together before Barry died again.

* * *

 

Taako wishes he could say it didn’t happen to Lup later that same cycle.

But it does.

She’s crying again-- really, it’s almost all she can manage lately. After all, she got Barry back for a few  _ hours _ only to have him ripped away from her again.

It would tear anyone to bits.

Taako knocks on the door to her room, slowly pushing it open as he balances a tray of food in his hands. “Lulu? You gotta eat.”

Lup doesn’t budge. Taako sighs, coming over to sit next to her. “Lu, I know it’s rough--”

Lup’s shoulders shake with new sobs. “No, I-- what if it’s always gonna be like this? What if he always-- he always dies and I-- I never get to spend--” she breaks off with a sob. “I  _ love _ him, ‘Ko, I can’t-- living without him, I-- I’m such a wreck--”

Taako smooths down her hair. “I know, Lu, I know,” he says softly. “Trust me, I know.” He sighs. “Taako’s got your back, yeah? Just like always.” 

Lup nods a little, her shoulders still shaking.

Taako pulls her into a hug. “I love you, yeah? I’m not going anywhere.”

Lup clutches the back of his shirt tightly as she slowly calms back down.

* * *

 

The next day she is gone. A broken heart isn’t deadly, but it can make someone reckless.

And that’s what it does to Lup. Davenport calls them in for a meeting and brings up the fact that they need one person to scope out the city nearby, and Lup is the first to volunteer. 

Taako tries to fight her, and Magnus does too. Even Lucretia protests. 

But it’s no use. Lup insists on going, and they can’t stop her.

And so, that morning, Taako gives Lup a hug as she sets of from the Starblaster, telling her to come back safe. 

She doesn’t.

They never find her body, but when a week passes and there’s no sign of her, when Taako calls her stone of Farspeech 40 times and there’s no response, they know she’s gone.

* * *

 

Taako isn’t as dumb as he pretends to be.

He sees the common string between the three deaths easily. 

It really wouldn’t take a genius  _ to  _ see it.

_ “I wasn’t going anywhere, though. I love ya, y’know?” _

_ “Nah but… Lulu loves you, and I love you.” _

_ “I love you, yeah? I’m not going anywhere.” _

And so he doesn’t say it. In fact, he doesn’t even  _ imply _ it. For almost 20 cycles, he does not show a drop of affection towards his friends.

And, with the exception of a few cases, it  _ works _ .

For the most part, there are no freak accidents. No unexpected traps. No leaving on missions and never returning. 

This does nothing but convince Taako of the fact that it’s  _ him _ , that those words, the “ _ I love you” _ s that he said to his friends, to his  _ sister _ , were what killed them.

Once, he caught himself slipping, caught the “ _ I-- _ ” sliding past his lips and almost had a heart attack as he changed it to “ _ I’ll always be here for you _ .”

At least Lup didn’t die, that time.

* * *

 

It takes him a little while longer to understand that it was the curse that hit him at that witch’s’ house that did this to him.

He realizes it in cycle 84 when he sees the spellbook he stole from her house sitting on his bookshelf.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” he whispers, hands shaking as everything falls into place.

Before, it had just been a superstition. Something he thought was connected.

Now, it’s real.

_ He _ killed his friends.

He doesn’t leave his room for the rest of the cycle.

* * *

 

And then, in cycle 90, it happens.

He doesn’t mean to. Really he doesn’t. But when they finally fight their way out of a dangerous situation and have regrouped on the Starblaster, when he watches Lup throw herself into the fray to protect Barry, when Lup is the last one back and stumbles onto the Starblaster with singed clothes and a tired smile, Taako can’t help it.

He throws his arms around her. “Never do that again,” he says. He’s so tired of losing his friends, but he’s especially tired of losing his sister. “I love you so much, Lulu, never do that again.”

And then he realizes what he’s done.

No one on the crew understands, at first, why Taako slides to the ground and stares at his hands. 

They’re shaking. 

“No,” he whispers.

“Taako?” Magnus asks, coming up behind him. 

“No, Lu, no, I don’t want you to be in lich form this cycle,  _ shit, _ I never slipped up, not once, but I--”

“What do you mean, ‘Ko? I’m fine,” Lup says. “Really, I am.”

“No-- no, you won’t be, I--” he takes a deep breath, looking around at the others. Lup, Magnus, Barry, and Lucretia crowd around him, while Merle is a few steps away. Davenport is flying the ship. “I-- like 20 cycles ago I-- I got the light from a witch’s house, Mags, you remember?”

Magnus nods. 

“I-- she hit me with a spell, as I was leaving. It-- I didn’t think it was anything, because it never did anything, or so I thought but--” he looks away. “Every time I’ve said  _ I love you _ since then, the person I said it to has died.”

“Taako, I’m sure that’s just a coincide--” Barry begins.

“No!” Taako interrupts. “No, I’m sure of it. Lup’s gonna die within 24 hours, just you watch,” he says, his shoulders shaking as  _ and it’s going to be my fault _ spins through his brain.

Lup kneels down. “I’m not going anywhere,” she says. “Taako, I’m  _ here _ .”

“You-- you won’t be for long,” Taako says tearfully.

* * *

 

When Lup dies that night from something not even Merle can explain, and he sees her floating towards him in her lich form the next morning, Taako just leaves.

He walks off the Starblaster and keeps walking, away from the family he loves so much, and they don’t stop him, because they know he needs this. 

When he reforms on the Starblaster a year later, he is aware of everyone staring at him. Lup jumps onto him, hugging him tightly, and he feels her shaking.

“Taako, I--”

“I’m sorry, Lu,” he says, “I fucked up and you paid for it.”

Lup squeezes him harder. “Taako,  _ no, _ ” she says. “It’s not your fault.” She takes a step back. “We’ll figure it out, yeah? We’ll wait till we have a year to play around with and we’ll figure it out.”

Taako sighs. The others pile in for a hug. “Yeah,” he says. “I-- you guys know. I can’t say it, but…”

“We know,” someone whispers. Taako can’t really tell who, or if it’s more than one person. He holds as tightly as he can to Lup, unable to shake the fact that she died and it was his fault.

* * *

 

They never have a chance, not really, to solve the spell problem. Things just happen so fast, and then pretty soon they’re on the planet with the relics and there’s no time to think about Taako’s problem because Lup goes missing and--

Lucretia has to be careful in her redaction.

She can’t let Taako remember the curse, because it would be far too complicated to leave that in tact. There’s no spell that would do this on this planet, no way to make it make sense in the narrative of Taako’s past.

Instead, she has to make a few edits to his story. 

She hates that she makes him afraid to say “I love you,” afraid  _ to  _ love, as she slowly writes away the parts of him that care, the parts of him that love Lup and the rest of the team.

But she does it, anyway, because while it destroys her, she knows it will be worth it one day. This way, Taako won’t kill everyone he loves without knowing what he’s doing.

* * *

 

And she’s glad for it, when he doesn’t tell Magnus or Merle that he loves them. She’s glad for it when he doesn’t tell  _ Angus  _ that he loves him, though she sees the little gestures he makes to indicate that.

And, when his memories come back, she can see the glint of recognition in his eyes as he ruffles Angus’s hair and says “I’m glad you’re safe, kiddo” instead of “I love you” after the final battle.

* * *

 

For Taako, remembering is like a slap in the face.

There’s so much  _ to _ remember in the first place, the Starblaster and the IPRE and the century with his family and his family and  _ Lup _ , specifically.

And the curse.

If the other memories are a slap in the face, remembering the curse is a rope that slips softly around his neck before he realizes it is there.

When everything calms down after the final battle, he spends two hours in his room thinking through the years where he didn’t know, trying to remember if he had said it to anyone.

If he had said it to Magnus, to Merle, to Angus, to  _ Kravitz. _

They’re all alive, of course, or-- Kravitz isn’t. But they’re all still up and about and talking to him, so he must not have said it. 

He’s not quite sure why that hurts him as much as it does.

* * *

 

He gets Magnus to tell Angus. It’s because Angus says “I’m glad you’re okay, sir, I love you a lot!” after he gets home from a mission and Taako almost snaps in half. 

“Maggie,” he says, “tell Angus about the-- the curse.”

And then he walks away.

* * *

 

He doesn’t tell Kravitz for a long time.

He’s afraid, at first, of telling Kravitz the truth about the curse, because there’s the little voice in the back of his head telling him Kravitz will leave him if he tells him the truth.

So he just doesn’t say it. Sometimes, Kravitz will say ‘ _ I love you _ ’ and Taako will manage a ‘ _ yeah, same, _ ’ and a giant kiss, but sometimes he doesn’t manage any response at all. He takes to using kisses as a way to avoid it, as a way to hide.

But Kravitz catches on.

The way he brings it up to Taako isn’t a conversation so much as the first time Taako sees him really, truly, cry.

* * *

 

It’s after dinner, and Taako is cleaning on his own in the kitchen. Kravitz had left for their bedroom with an “I love you” in Taako’s direction, and Taako had paid him back with the same smile and kiss he gave every time.

And then he finishes cleaning and makes his way back to the bedroom, and the first thing he hears are sobs.

He opens the door a little urgently, his throat tight as he sees Kravitz sitting on the edge of the bed with shaking shoulders. “Uh, Krav?”

He didn’t know Kravitz  _ could  _ cry.

Kravitz turns around, a little startled, and wipes his eyes. “Taako,” he says, “shit I-- I didn’t hear you coming.”

“I-- what’s wrong?”

Kravitz looks away. “Taako, can I ask you something?”

“Anything, babe, you know it,” Taako says, coming around the bed to sit next to Kravitz.

“I… do you… do you really love me? I know-- I mean, you act like you do, but you never say it. And I…” Taako watches his hands ball into fists. “I can’t help but worry.”

Taako freezes. “I-- uh-- I--”

Kravitz doesn’t look up, still shaking, and Taako can barely keep it together himself.

“I  _ do _ , Krav, really I do, I just--”

“Will you-- will you indulge me then, Taako? Will you say it?”

Taako shrinks back. “I-- I can’t,” he says. “I-- it’d-- you’d  _ die _ .”

This catches Kravitz’s attention. “Taako, I’m-- You know I’m dead, right?”

“You-- It-- I can’t--” Taako shakes his head. “I… during the century…” he sighs. “A witch, she cursed me. It took me a while to figure out the curse and by then I’d already killed Lup, Barry, and Magnus. It-- I say those words, Kravitz, and the person I say them to dies.”

Kravitz stares at him. And then, seeing the fear on Taako’s face, or maybe hearing the shaking in his voice, he relaxes. “Taako I-- I won’t die, you know. I’m already dead, love.”

“But-- but you will,” Taako says. “Everyone does.”

Kravitz puts an arm around his shoulder. “Come with me,” he says, opening a rift in front of them.

* * *

 

The Raven Queen sits atop a throne.

Or, she usually does.

Today, Taako and Kravitz step into her throne room to find her sitting at a table with Istus, a cup of tea in each of their hands.

Istus is drinking hers, the Raven Queen isn’t.

The goddesses look up when Kravitz and Taako make their appearance. Taako is acutely aware of his missing hat, of the messy apron he’s wearing and the fact that today was a day he stayed inside wearing sweatpants because honestly neither he nor Kravitz could be bothered to do much.

Istus smiles as they come in. “Did you need something, Kravitz? I’m assuming so, or you wouldn’t have brought the boyfriend.” She waves at Taako.

Kravitz nods, looking over at the Raven Queen. “I need a favor, my queen,” he says.

She tilts her head ever so slightly. 

Taako just watches.

“There’s a curse on Taako, and we need you to remove it,” Kravitz explains.

The Raven Queen stands, still silent, and comes to stand next to Taako. She’s impossibly taller than him, and leans down a little to inspect him. “A curse,” she muses. “Yes, quite the evil curse. Tied to my domain, as well.”

Istus follows her. “Don’t you think we could do something about it, Raven?”

“Yes, I do believe we can,” the Raven Queen says, gesturing for Istus to come closer. She says something in a language that Taako doesn’t understand.

“Listen, uh, Taako’s good with not having weird magical procedures done to me, really, I’m perfectly fine the way I am--”

“Please,” Kravitz interrupts. “I’ve never seen you look so scared, love, really I haven’t. They can help.”

Taako says nothing, but holds his hand a little tighter.

Istus says something back in the language Taako doesn’t know, and then bends down and reaches towards him.

Her fingers close on what seems to be air, for an instant, and then slowly becomes the end of a black string, the color spreading from her fingers along the length of it until the full string can be seen, entangling Taako.

He tries not to panic.

“That’s the curse?” Kravitz asks.

“That’s the curse,” Istus replies, and the Raven Queen materializes her own scythe from nowhere. 

“This will likely be slightly painful,” she says. “Turn around, child.”

Taako listens reluctantly. Kravitz and the goddesses can see, now, where the string begins. It sprouts from the middle of Taako’s back, wrapping around him and moving on its own.

“Hold his hand,” Istus says, gripping the string near Taako’s back and pulling it taut. “This will hurt, just a bit.”

“I--” Taako begins, but thinks better of it. He grits his teeth and lets Kravitz grab his hand.

_ This isn’t for me, _ he thinks,  _ it’s for Kravitz and the others. _

But deep down it’s also for him, because he  _ wants _ to be able to say “I love you” without knowing what is about to come.

And it’s then that the pain hits. It’s a sharp tugging, like someone is pulling on his hair, and then it feels like something inside of him is snapping, and then-- 

Nothing.

He opens his eyes slowly, looking at Kravitz, who is smiling, and turns back around to see Istus slowly looping up the black string and the Raven Queen putting away her scythe and he looks between them. “It’s over?”

“Yes,” Istus says, smiling softly at him.

Kravitz takes his hand. “Let’s leave them to their tea,” he says, opening a rift in front of them. 

As they step through it, Taako looks back at the goddesses and mouths a ‘thank you.’

The Raven Queen smiles slightly. Istus waves.

* * *

 

In the middle of their bedroom, Taako pulls Kravitz into a hug. “I-- I haven’t said it in  _ years _ ,” he says. “What if it didn’t work? What if you get hurt because I’m dumb and--”

“Taako.”

“--I mean, you can’t die, obviously, but what if--”

“I’m going to be fine.”

“--I just, I love you, okay? And I worry, and… oh.”

Kravitz laughs a little and gives him a kiss. “I love you too,” he says. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”

-

And it is-- nothing happens to Kravitz.

Taako frets, a lot, over the next few days, but after a week passes Taako finds himself less panicked at the idea of telling Kravitz he loves him.

And so he does.

Kravitz gets home from work and Taako pokes his head out of the kitchen with a “welcome home babe, love you,” and he’s too busy going back to cooking to see Kravitz’s smile. He whispers it one night as Kravitz carries him from the couch to their bed, and Kravitz pulls him closer to his chest. They wake up in the morning and Kravitz has to go and he says “I love you” and Taako grins and kisses him and says “I love you too” and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s about to explode out of his chest.

Or it does, but it’s not because of panic.

* * *

 

The first time he says it to Lup is still scary.

After the curse was lifted, he told her, but it’s still incredibly scary for him the first time she bumps her hip against his in the kitchen to get him out of the way and he laughs and says “I love you, Lulu, but I’m not moving.”

And then the fear passes, and he realizes that it’s getting easier every time.

And so he tells Lup he loves her. He tells her when she offers to go grocery shopping for him. When she calls him at two in the morning because she can’t tell if she’s still in the Umbrastaff or not. When they laugh so hard they cry. On her wedding day, he whispers an “I love you, go get ‘em” as he walks her down the aisle. 

She always responds with a knowing smile.

* * *

 

He tells the rest of his family too, though not as often.

Barry and Magnus hear him say it again for the first time when the two of them, plus Taako and Lup, plus Merle, and with Davenport calling in on a Stone of Farspeech, are sitting around Taako’s living room.

They’re laughing at the story Merle has just told, and Taako, as he stands up to get them some more snacks, is possessed by something.

He smiles a little, looks around, and says “I love you guys, you know?”

And as they all stare at him, he walks into the kitchen to get them their snacks.

* * *

 

Angus hears Taako say “I love you” for the first time on his birthday.

The timing just works out, with the curse being lifted, because Angus’s birthday is the first time since then that Taako has a moment alone with the boy detective.

Angus is helping him with the dishes, talking a mile a minute-- “and  _ sir! _ Did you hear? Magnus told me he’d teach me how to carve more and Kravitz promised to teach me to play a violin, and--” and Taako can’t help it anymore.

He laughs, and ruffles Angus’s hair, and says “slow down, kiddo, I love you and all but you’re going too fast.”

And Angus looks up at him with wide eyes, which Taako laugh off as he returns to washing dishes. “Yeah, yeah,” Taako says. “Don’t act so surprised. Ol’ Taako actually loves quite a few people.” 


End file.
